My Crotch
1 Crotch Court
Crotchville, USA
12 April 2016
RE: Cease and desist for the egregious sniffing of Complainant’s Crotch, issued against Perpetrator, Dog
Dear Dog:
For reference, I submit to you last Friday, when I hosted a game night with some friends. There we were, trying to enjoy some drinks and play Settlers of Catan, but none of us could concentrate because 10 minutes into game night, you shoved your face into my crotch and we were all thinking about my crotch and honestly I’m pretty sure my friends now think I have a kind of smelly crotch. And that’s on you, Dog. You brought that gathering to a screeching, unpleasant halt.
Perhaps you think that sniffing my crotch will signal to potential mates that I have a unique crotch, one worthy of interest and a good, strong sniff. Perhaps you feel I should find your interest in my crotch flattering. Perhaps, even, you think I should be grateful to you.
And sure, maybe in some weird way, I am oddly flattered that you find my crotch so irresistible. But it’s also awkward AF. Because unlike you and your dog friends, humans do not consider a smelly crotch a good thing. As a result, your interest in my crotch suggests to other nearby humans that I have a strong-smelling crotch, or, smelly crotch, which is officially not good for my love life.
In theory, your sustained interest in my crotch could cause significant damage to my reputation — defamation via crotch, if you will. Because of this, my peers may now believe that I do not wipe properly — or at all, for that matter. They may assume that I do not bathe regularly or practice advisable hygiene. They may even conclude (wrongly, but not without reason) that I am menstruating at all times. It is possible, therefore, that your obsession with my crotch has led, through no fault of my own, to innumerable romantic and friendship failures.
This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your PERSISTENT ACTIONS in regards to MY CROTCHAL REGION have become intolerable and untenable. Your consistent conduct vis-à-vis my crotch — showing uncontrollable interest in my crotch, smelling my crotch, and generally just really getting up in my crotch — is inappropriate and unbecoming of an otherwise pleasant and well-trained canine.
Regardless of your intent, your actions in “my area” have significant consequences, of which I will now outline below:
I can only speak for my crotch, and so I will. When you sniff my crotch, several upsetting results occur: First, I feel very embarrassed. Secondly, everyone else in the room naturally ends up staring at me and my crotch. Third, and most important, everyone in the room is now thinking about my crotch.
While it’s true that we’ve all got crotches, I do not need you to single mine out, and certainly not in front of others. Because literally everyone is thinking about my crotch right now, including whoever else may or may not be reading this. (I swear, Dog, if you put this on the Internet… Just don’t. Do not do that. Do not! Bad dog!)
males, although I assume it is akin to a vicious punch to the yabbos, except much worse.
